I’d hoped that, returning from summer break, country music would be dead. Half-birthday blow-out-the-candles wishes are overhyped. Looks like Old Dixie’s still singing about pickups, cow-tipping, and cultural stasis. Whatevs. Let’s talk about important things: my legacy. I was flummoxed when MBA Legacy reps started talking about cash donations we’ll be making soon. I thought everybody already knew I been dropping gold right here. Ingots.
Wondering where I learned to talk so greazy? If you’re seeking that new turn of phrase to justify your worth to employers, lacking gumption, or generally spineless, pop out some Bunch a Crunch, pop on some Beats by Dre, and peep my top rap songs for getting C.R.E.A.M.:
#14 Get It – Cypress Hill – B-Real’s voice still not hoarse.
#13 Dreams – Little Brother – These guys almost redeem the South. Almost.
#12 Ashy to Classy – Slim Thug – Slim’s also written a book on how to survive in the recession. It’s called How to Survive in the Recession. Yeah.
#11 Hustler’s Ambition – 50 Cent – 50 explains recycling excess inventory.
#10 I’m a Hustla – Cassidy – Sales guru.
#9 Shake This – Royce Da 5’9 – Inspired me to include my height in my rap name, Dan da 5’7.5.
#8 Push It – Rick Ross – You pushin’ a lot? Then you pushing for Ross.
#7 Dead Presidents II – Jay Z – “I’m out for presidents to represent me.” Deloitte appreciated my candid response to salary expectations.
#6 The Fire – The Roots – Rhymes “science” and “Mayans.”
#5 The World Is Yours – Nas – Nasty Nas never makes sense, but this song matches my XXL Tony Montana tee.
#4 U Don’t Know – Jay Z – “Put me anywhere on God’s green earth/ I triple my worth.” Especially in Austin.
#3 Ambition – Wale – Like Wale, my only fear’s a wedding ring.
#2 Juicy – Notorious B.I.G. – I, too, wonder why “Christmas/ missed us.” Probably cause we were Jewish.
#1 Lose Yourself – Eminem – Numero uno, period.
…and just to remind you Metamucil and arthritis is still jiggy…
#15 30 Something – Jay-Z
Cheers; may your checks be looking like phone numbers; enjoy the school year.